Fifty, Sincerity

Fifty

Sincerity

26 June 1824

I write this by firelight and a couple of candles, for I could not wait to share with my dearest friend.  For you, oh journal, have been the keeper of my heart.  And while you now have some competition for my heart, I believe that you will continue to keep my secrets.

John came by tonight, just after supper, timing it just right I believe.  Perhaps he was watching from afar, to see when it was that Warner came in from the field for supper, after another day's labour.

John came to me as a man who has come to comfort, to console.  For I suppose that in leaving me the other night, although it was a joyous occasion, he thought perhaps that I was still in mind of the business that we started earlier.

He rode to me on his horse this evening, perhaps to come more quickly.  Or perhaps it was to be able to recite to me two stanzas of another Wordsworth poem.  For off his horse he came, with a knock he entered, with a look he beckoned me outside, and after enquiring whether I be well (I was in high spirits to see him, in fact), he asked if he might recite.  Again, he took a piece of paper tucked away in his jacket, and to me, he said:

"When she I loved looked every day

Fresh as a rose in June,

I to her cottage bent my way,

Beneath an evening moon.

 "Upon the moon fixed my eye,

All over the wide lea;

With quickening pace my horse drew nigh

Those paths so dear to me."

He then proffered to me the paper on which these words were written, and, oh! I did not know that such happiness can reign.

But I have seen the tides of emotions that befall the smitten--they ride so high when the romance is fresh, only to be brought back to earth, and worse.  So it is that I kept my emotions to myself, although I suspect that my burning cheeks betrayed me.  (And here I say, that I did not know that one's cheeks can truly feel afire in such a situation as this.  I had thought it a myth!)

He said that he has been thinking of me, and how must I be feeling.  He said that he would like to quote from the Bible, too, a verse that is as familiar to him as the path that leads to my door.  And although he had it memorized, he had also written it down in order to leave it with me, for I believe he well knows that I  am not very familiar with the Good Book.

He said:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

He folded up this paper, too, and placed it in my hand, this time not letting go of my closed palm, and he took my other hand, too.  He said, Trust in the Lord, Louisa.  There is nothing that cannot be done with the Lord on your side.  You shall grow to truly know that this be true, although perhaps it does not seem so now. 

He held onto my hands a little longer, and then let them go.

Miss Louisa, he said, more formally, for he had been so very earnest and boyish in his earlier poetry, and then so scholarly in his Bible quoting.

Miss Louisa, he said again, I should like to ask you if I may see you as often as I can manage.  I work long hours, and I travel, too, but I always try to be present for class meetings and for services, and of course, my employer also being my preacher, I am able to arrange for the latter.  But I should like to see you whenever I can, however that I can, and not just at spiritual gatherings.  I do not believe that I need to ask your father's permission for this, you being of age, but also because circumstances dictate that his consent or the withholding of it probably does not matter to you. 

And here, he looked into my eyes to see if I agreed, and I proffered agreement, with my eyes saying so as well.

Miss Louisa, he said.  I took some pleasure in the "Miss", it was so respectful.

Miss Louisa, the other night you were going to tell me more about what it is that is troubling you so.  Please know that I am always yours, that you may turn to me at any time, and mine shall be the listening heart.

He was so serious, that I surprised even myself by bursting into laughter.

Oh, John, said I.

I do not mean to laugh, please, oh please forgive me, but I...  I... and thereupon, I laughed some more, and after a moment, he joined me and mirth abounded.

Louisa, he said, this time without the "Miss", the formality now abandoned. 

You confound me at times, but it is your complexity as much as anything draws me to you. 

He then reached into his jacket once again, but this time, it was for a wildflower that he no doubt picked along the way, for it was still fresh.

Think of me, he said.

And thereupon, he strode back to his horse, mounted it, tipped his hat, and off he went back down the lane.