Fifty-Four, Fury

Fifty-Four
Fury
30 June 1824
Nan rode up this morning, right at dawn.  She said that she had much to tell me, and that perhaps I should brew some tea for the two of us.  As I put the kettle on, Nan began.
She said that when it was getting toward nightfall on Sunday night, John rode up and banged on the door.  She said that she answered, and that John demanded to see Father.  As he seemed to be furious about something and because she sensed that something might happen that he would later regret, she told him that Father had gone off on a walk, she knew not where.  John did not seem satisfied by this answer, and perhaps sensed that she was not being truthful. 
He said, then I shall wait until he gets back.
Nan did not know what she was going to do, but Father kept her from having to decide, for he had come downstairs upon hearing the commotion.
Nan, he said. Leave us be, girl. Nan said that she pretended to go all the way upstairs, but she stayed near the top, just out of sight. She could hear everything.
What is this about, he asked John, calmly. Nan said that she could hear John's loud breathing. She said that his anger was burning up the floorboards, she was sure of it.
You know what, John said. I came here with meanness and anger and contempt in my heart for you.  I was ready to break as many commandments as it took to put an end to what must be a miserable life.
But I look at you, and Louisa is right. You are just an old, small man. You are rotting away from the inside out.
I think that losing half your family is the price you are paying, and that the others do not know the things you have done.
If it were just about you and your sins, you could be left alone to live out the rest of your days in your own misery.
But what you have done to Louisa, to TJ, to the other children, but most especially to Susie, those things are beyond the redemption that anyone on earth can give you.
Nan could hear father scraping a chair on the floor as he apparently took a seat. He said, very low, so it was hard to hear: 
She told you. Louisa told you. 
He continued:
But I do not see what that has to do with the children or why you would be so angry.
Father sounded puzzled.
Nan then gave me a quizzical look. She said, Louisa, what was he talking about?  Told him what?
I said, tell me the rest of what happened.
Nan said that Father then got up and went out the front door, with John following. She said she could hear no more of the actual words, for the men had walked some ways away from the house.
She says that she could hear John's angry voice, and only unintelligible, quiet answers from Father. She said Father then had a coughing fit, and that he came back to the house maybe ten minutes after he had left. She heard John's horse as he rode away.
What did you tell John? she asked again.
I told her part of it.
I said, Nan, Father told me something a week or two ago. He made me promise not to tell. But I am not beholden to a promise made to a man who deserves nothing.  So I'm going to tell you.
He said to me, Louisa, Susie is your half-sister.
I let this settle in with Nan. She seemed perplexed.  Like she was trying to understand.
Then Father...  all these years...   Does Mother know?  she asked.
I think so, I said.
I don't know what to think, she said. 
I told her none of TJ's story, for it is not mine to tell, and I honestly would not have been able to.