49 Tears of...

Forty-Nine

Tears of...

25 June 1824

I had to stop in my journal yesterday, for I was overcome with emotion again.  I shall resume now, having recovered a bit.

I cannot say just how very grateful I am that John has been brought to me, for brought to me by God himself is what I believe.  That is saying so very much, as I have been a little out of sorts with the Supreme Being for some time now. 

I want to recount each moment, as I believe that what is happening now, this moment, this week, is very pivotal in my life, and I shall want to record this for when I am old and gray and can no longer remember anything.

The other night, when I was crying, and yet feeling like I was being rescued,  John stood there with me, stroking my hair and holding me close, I became aware that his nose was buried in my hair, that he was breathing in concert with me.  My crying subsided, and in a way, I did not want to stop, for I did not want this moment to end.  But I gathered myself, and stepped back just a little, and I looked up at him, my eyes no doubt looking wretched.  He looked down at me with such love, for that is what I feel that it was.

This would have been a time and circumstance for a lesser man to have kissed me, and I believe that he wanted to.  But I feel that he did not do so out of respect for me, and for the moment that we had just experienced.  I just know that I looked back at him with the same kind of love that I felt he was showing me.

The silence then became a little awkward, and I turned toward the pathway again and began walking, holding onto John's arm for everything, as I believe that I would have fainted without it.  John did not press me for further details, and I did not feel yet ready to speak again.

We walked along slowly until we reached the Terrys, and we went inside, a little late.

Reverend Terry was still going down the class list, speaking to each person in turn, asking about how their week has been, listening to the accounting of sinful ways and thoughts, and praying for each person.  He waited for the two of us to the last, and noted that we were both late.  I believe that my reddened eyes and sniffling was a signal to him that he should ask John first.  John confessed to some minor things which I shall not recount, as we are covenanted not to share outside of our class. 

When it was my turn, John spoke up and said that in light of circumstances that perhaps I was not up to speaking.  I was ever so grateful for him to say this; it meant so much to have someone take up for me.  Nan and Mr. Houck were present, and I suppose that it was distressful to them to see John and me in the manner that we were.  Certainly, they, and everyone, had to be curious.

I spoke that it was all right, that I could speak, and I said, truthfully, that I had been sharing with John just before the meeting some of the circumstances behind my parents' divorce.  I figured that most of the people in the room probably knew the status of my parents' marriage already, but from the look of surprise and shock on most persons' faces, including that of Mr.
Houck, I was apparently quite mistaken. 

I found that I needed to explain just a little, to say that my parents had come upon difficulties in their lives, and that although I found my father to be quite wanting, I know that it is supposedly not for me to judge.  But I said in all truthfulness that I am, in fact, feeling as though I was judging my father every single day of my life.  I said that I wanted to learn how to forgive, but that for now, that was not as possible as it should be.  I said that perhaps such a thing would keep me from being able to come again to class.  I then sat silent and waited for judgment to come.

Reverend Terry then came to me, and placed his hand upon my head, and said that he thought a prayer was needed just then.  And he prayed, and others joined in, with prayers all around.  No one asked more of me, no one passed judgment upon me.  They prayed prayers of compassion, and understanding in the difficult times that I was going through.  The prayers kept up for perhaps ten minutes, maybe less, maybe more.  I felt so, so relieved, so grateful, so filled with amazement that these people could pray for me in such a way.

I then thought of Nan.  She had been toddler at the time of the worst fight, and I have always believed that she did not remember any of it.  But I have never asked her, and she has never spoken of it.  Indeed, it is as though it is a normal thing, to have your parents estranged, and yet to have them living in close proximity to each other for years. 

Nan looked very upset. 

From then on, the meeting was interminable.

They sang the closing hymn, with me and Nan only mouthing the words.

We all then took our leave, and Nan and I, John, and Mr. Houck all started down the path and waited until we were out of earshot of anyone else, and Nan then turned to Mr. Houck and said that she knew he probably would not be able to forgive her, for not telling him.  He then turned to her and said, most precious Nancy, you are not to blame.  You and Louisa were children when these things happened, and your parents seem to have made their peace with each other.  It is thus no one's business whatever transpired in another time, and in another place.  He said that he did not at all blame her for not saying anything, because they have been enjoying the happiness and pleasantries that go with courting, and such a thing would not naturally come up.  He then told her--and here he took a moment and hesitated--to say that he had the Sunday before asked her father for her hand in marriage, and that her father consented.  He told her that this was not how he wanted her to find out, that he had something much more romantic in mind, but that he thought it was now necessary. 

Nan looked shocked, whether it was for the proposal, or the explanation of his discussion with Father, but she said, Joseph, if you are asking me to marry you, then of course, the answer is yes, for if you still wish to have me after all of this, then I think you shall be stuck with me forever.

He then pick her  up, and swung her around, and there was much backslapping and hugging amongst the four of us.  And then Nancy and I both began crying, and then two handkerchiefs appeared from the two men, and the dabbing of eyes and sniffling when on for another minute or two.  And then Nancy and I jumped up and down, and the men did a little dance, or maybe it was the other way around.  I was just so happy for all of us.