Sixty-nine Confrontation

Sixty-Nine

Confrontation

8 October 1824 (continued)

Father, like Mother, misread the situation, and was expecting an engagement announcement, I am sure.  I quickly disavowed him of this notion by saying that I was there to ask of him some questions; that I was seeking the truth.

Father surprised me a little by looking as though he were ready to answer anything, and under any conditions.  He said that he was glad that John was with me, because he suspected that it was going to be hard for me.  I was not expecting such kindness nor understanding from him, and it disarmed me.  I dispensed with many of the questions that I was going to ask of him at first as a result. 

Rather, I told him that life for me as a girl whose parents had parted on less than favorable circumstances was a humiliating experience, especially as a girl who was older than her two sisters by several years and feeling that I needed to protect them and Mother in some way.  I told him that I felt that my brothers had been more removed from the situation for reasons that I do not fully understand but have accepted.

I told Father that I knew much of the testimony in court had been quite unfavorable against him such that the court would give Mother custody of the three of us girls still within the home.  Then, with some hesitation, and after looking at John whose eyes told me that I need not proceed but that he would support me either way, I told Father that TJ had told me of a certain incident involving Father and Susie. 

I stopped.  And I waited for an indication that Father knew what it was that I was talking about.

Father drew a deep breath, looked downward in a sad way, and then looked at me directly.  He said, I am not sure about whatever particular incident that you may be referring to.  I know that there is much that I have done for which I am not proud.  I have been working these past many years to find a way to redemption in your mother’s eyes.  I have divested myself of almost all that I own in favor of your mother and your brothers.  I have humbled myself in many ways. 

He continued, I gave up drinking years ago, when I knew that I was losing your mother.  That was not an easy thing to do.  I had been drinking quite heavily, and to stop just like that required the help of Doc Harris, and it required me being away from home for quite some time.  That was just before I was ordered out of the house anyway.

But, he said, stopping from his monologue to look at me more directly.  But perhaps you were wondering something else?

Father, said I.  You told me not so long ago that Susie was your daughter.  If that is so, then I cannot understand what you did long ago, and for all I know, continued to do until Susie ran away.

Father looked puzzled.

I do not know what you mean about what I may have done long ago and continued to do? he said and asked at the same time.

First, said I, I need to know if you are certain that Susie is your daughter.

He again hesitated, looked down at the floor, and then back up at me.  He said, I do not positively know, no.  But it is possible.

How long have you known that?  I asked.  He said that he knew that he was not the only one to have had… and here he paused… “relations” with Susie’s mother.  But, he said, I am now willing to take some responsibility for whatever happens to Susie.

I was a little taken aback by this last admission.  But it did not really change things.

Father, said I.  One of your sons, one of my brothers told me something.  He said that you and Susie had inappropriate acts in front of him and another person.  And being inappropriate is putting is gently.

He said, softly, I did not know that you knew about that.

He sat quietly for a long time.