65, Forgiveness

65
Forgiveness
3 October 1824
Oh, one can only imagine the joy I had upon discovering John directly behind me.  I was not expecting to see him for another week or two.  I had been a little disappointed that he was not going to the Camp Meeting with us, but here he was!
I hardly remember the sermon last night; it was on the Beatitudes, but I remember little else for I was so excited.  Reverend Terry was doing the preaching, and I believe that I saw a little gleam in his eye when he saw John had come.  The services lasted about an hour last night.  The real work began the next morning.  The call went out “Til early candlelight”, and soon everyone was repeating it as they left for their tents.
This morning, we had a Love Feast soon after sunrise.  This is a meal similar to what Jesus shared with his disciples.  It is not communion, but different.  We shared food and drink together, consisting of bread, water, and grapes and other fruits.  We sat together in small groups; for those of us who are already part of a class, we sat with that class, whilst others who were not already in a class were divided among other small groups.
Within our small group, we not only ate and shared what is known as the “loving cup”, but we read scripture, and prayed for each other.   This was a quiet, reverential, sweet time for all, especially since it was shortly after dawn when all is more peaceful. 
Once our Love Feast concluded, we all joined together for rousing services conducted by three of the ministers present.  We sang hymns, scripture was read, and then we were roused by the dramatic sermon given by Joshua Boucher taken from Revelations 22:14.  I wrote down the passage, and repeat it here:  “Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city.”
This was a very compelling sermon, and there were people, mostly Negroes, who were excited to exhortation.  There were many shouts of “Praise God” and “Praise Jesus”, and many were called to the altar in their conversion experience.
I was taken in by the fervour, and I wanted to be among those at the altar call.  But I could not.  For I am not ready to abide by the Fifth Commandment to Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother.  Try as I might, I would have been a false person acting a part for others had I gone to the altar.  There is much to be done for me to meet this commandment.  Or perhaps I do not understand its true meaning.  Perhaps there are exceptions, but I think not.  I know that we are to forgive those who have done us wrong, and to not sit in judgment against those who have done others wrong, even if such persons do not seem worthy of our forgiveness. 
Forgiveness does not come easy.
After the morning service, we were called to prepare lunch, which I was able to help in, and then to eat the lunch, which I could not do.  I was miserable in my thoughts on this matter of forgiveness. 
John was by my side, and we talked during lunch and on into the afternoon free time.  He did not lecture me on the topic, but he asked questions that made me think.  He asked if there were good things in my father that I could recall, and I said, truthfully, that there were.  He asked if I thought if perhaps Father has sought forgiveness, and if he might be truly repentant.  This I could not answer, for I do not know.  I have not cared before if he were or he were not, for it did not matter before. 
He asked if Father had once been a drunk and perhaps was not one now.  I said, after some thought, for I did not want to admit it, that I did not believe that Father has touched any alcohol in several years. 
He asked if it were possible that Father does not remember the worst of the things he has done.  This I do not know.  I have not cared to know this, either.
John’s questions have given me a lot to think about. 
I needed this afternoon to write all that has happened today so far, because I believe this to be a pivotal time in my life.
Lord, help me. Truly.