Seventy
More
8 October
1824 (cont.)
Father spoke
again, finally. First, Louisa, at that
time, long ago, I did not believe that Susie could be my daughter. Perhaps I just did not want to think about
it.
Second, he
said. And he took another while to say
it. Second, he started again, I know
that an affidavit was sworn out that I had committed “flagitious behaviour”
with a Negro girl within my house, and that one of my sons and another
witnessed it. I must say to you, Louisa,
that I do not know exactly what that means.
I know what that implies, however.
I think that it was a lawyerly way to say something and imply another; it
allows your imagination to come up with things far worse than what actually
happened.
I do think
that I was probably at some time being a little playful. Maybe flirtatious. Maybe something more.
It was
something more, Father, I said.
Something much more. I completely
believe my brother on this point. He has
no reason to lie, and seeing the way in which he told me, the disgust in his
voice, I do not believe that he would lie.
Father sat up
in his chair, and started to look a little angry and not so in control of his demeanor.
How long ago
were you told, Louisa, of this somehow horrible behaviour on my part?
Not long
ago, said I.
I suspect
that I know what happened, then, Louisa, he said.
Recently, I
had a quarrel with your brother, TJ. I
let him know that I no longer have hardly any property to my name. I told him how I sold most of what I had to
your brother Josiah, at maaayyybee (he drew this word out) less than fair
market value. I told him that I had done
this for two reasons. One, I did not
want any of my creditors to touch any of my property. And two, it was an act of love, and caring,
but mostly of trying to prove to your mother that I was going to try and do
right by all of you. Your mother had
told me that she wanted nothing more from me, other than what she already
had. But she would not stand in the way
of me giving property to Josiah who would then give shares to the rest of you.
Father, said
I. Stop this. I have never received any such share from
Josiah. And besides, you sold the
property to him. You did not give it to
him. Not only that, said I, for I had
just realized something.
Doing so,
selling all or nearly all of your property to Josiah would mean that you were
divesting yourself of anything that could make an income. And by doing that, you were no longer going
to be able to pay Mother the alimony.
Father sat
silent for a while.
He said,
sometimes you do something, and you convince yourself that you do it for a
certain reason, and you finally believe your motive to be completely a good
one.
I guess, he
said, that you are right. It did end my
ability to pay your mother alimony. I
did not see it as such, because she had been supported by her brother John for
many years. He has always held sway with
her, and I think it is because he can afford to keep her living in a certain
way. This has been a source of
humiliation ever since I moved our family to Laurens so that she could be near
her brother.
I shall
forever regret that decision, moving to Laurens. I should have stayed in Virginia
Would
it? Said I.
Father, I
saw with my own eyes you threatening to kill mother. I saw you holding the knife. I heard you saying horrible things to
her. And, Father, let me be clear. I. Saw. You. Doing. Something. To. Susie. In.
Front. Of. Mother. And.
I drew this
last part out, for it needed to be emphasized.
Father, you
were saying that you could do whatever you wanted to. And you demonstrated behaviour that you would
misbehave with a house servant, whether or not she ended up being your
child. You must take responsibility for
these things!
Louisa, he
said after a bit.
Louisa, I do
not remember much of that day. I do
remember threatening your mother. But I
also remember immediately regretting it.
And I remember crying in front of you and asking for you
forgiveness. That much I remember very
well. As for you brother and what he
allegedly saw, I do not remember. I do
not know what TJ told you, but I do deny having done anything that would rise
to the level of “flagitious behaviour”, whatever is meant by that.
I do not
know what else there is for me to say.
But I do
know this, Louisa. I do deeply regret
hurting your mother and causing any of you children to fear me.
He then fell
silent and waited for me to respond.
I had to take
a while. The world was spinning around
me. I had been sitting on the edge of
the bed while I was talking to him, with John standing nearby. But now, I lay back on the bed for a good
long while. John eventually sat on the
edge of the bed next to me, and he held my hand, occasionally stroking my arm
in a reassuring manner.
Father, I
said, sitting up again.
Here is what
I believe. I believe that you were a
heavy drinker who did sober up.
But I do
know what I saw when I was ten, and it was you saying obscene things and threatening
Mother with a knife. I believe that
Susie may be your child, but she also might not be, and that regardless, you had no business laying a hand on her
which you did do. Whether it was as
horrible as I am told or not, you had the moral obligation to not touch her.
I believe
that you got rid of the property because you did not want to pay Mother any
longer.
I also do
believe that over the last five years, you have tried to humble yourself,
remain sober, and be respectful. I know
that somehow you have made peace with Mother.
I will leave you two to work out whatever there is to work out. I no longer care.
I also know
that you are ill; I do not know how long
you will live. I know that I do want to
make peace with you before you die. I
believe that you are now a weak man in every sense of the word, an old man whom
I pity. I no longer grieve for the
father that I thought I deserved.
When I see you in such a way, I can forgive
you, for you have become a nothing to me any more.
And with that, I got up and
started to walk, and then all went black.
WHEW!!!
ReplyDeleteWHEW!!!
ReplyDelete