Thirty-Five, Observation

Thirty-Five

Observation

6 June 1824

This morning I decided that perhaps it was time that I started attending the Sunday services at Reverend Terry's place.  It was not for the reason that Reverend Terry had hoped for, I am certain.  If I am honest, and I am trying to be quite frank in this journal, I shall have to admit that I am going in order to know Susie better.  Or at least know more about her, for I am not certain that I truly wish to actually know her. 

I have given this some thought.  My father's secret that he has entrusted with me causes me pause to discuss the exact nature of it.  But it does not prohibit me from discussing the parties involved, I do not think.

And so it is that I find myself writing about Susie.

I did not wish to just appear one day at Jeremiah's cabin and say, Susie, I would like very much to get to know you better.  For that would be a falsehood.  Nor did I wish to just happen upon her at the falls where she might be entangled, as it were, with the native.  And I did not wish to suddenly take an interest in her at a mealtime, detaining her from her quick exit back to the cabin.

Therefore, it seems, I was in need of attending Sunday services where Susie was in attendance every Sunday without fail.

Services are at eleven o'clock in the forenoon, with lunch following.  Thereafter, the slaves who are able to remain are instructed in the reading of scripture.   Few enough slaves are permitted to attend these services, fewer still actually desire to do so, and fewest of all are able to stay on into the afternoon.  Susie is one who falls in the last category. 

To go along the most direct route to the Terrys from Jeremiah's cabin requires going past our house, then to the path to the river, and then the path along the river until you reach the Terry property.  I thus waited until I saw Susie pass by, carrying her basket with food to share for the lunch, and her Bible.  I counted to ten, and then followed.

I had chosen peaches to bring for the lunch, as I famously have no cooking skills, and I hoped that they would be adequate.  They were placed in a small burlap bag tied with twine, and off I went, following my prey.

Susie is a fast walker, being tall and quite athletic, and so it took me a while before I caught sight of her.   She appeared to be quite cheerful in her demeanor, singing a tune that I could only catch every fourth note of.  Susie is always smiling or laughing, it seems, even on a Sunday when I thought perhaps she would be serious.  We were just short of the river when she stopped, turned around, and looked at me, still smiling, but saying nothing.  It seemed that I would be required to speak first or suffer some awkward silence.

Susie, said I, I thought perhaps that I would attend services today. 

A quick look of surprise crossed her face before returning itself to her pleasant demeanor.  I realized just then that Susie is always smiling, yes, but that there is her genuine smile, and then there is her studied smile.  I believe I was the recipient of the latter just at this moment.

I was going to explain further, but thought better of it.  I thought it best for things to play out naturally enough.

I then realized that she was waiting for me to pass by so that she would be following behind me.  This would present the required deference.

I have rarely taken the effort to consider anything about what is or is not proper in the relationship between master and slave.  I do not think of myself as master, really.  No, not at all.

Our slaves are field slaves, with none being in the house since Susie left years ago, and upon her return, Susie has only been inside these past few days when she has brought us meals.  My brother is the one who oversees the field slaves, and so it is that I am rarely am required to think on such concepts as master and slave.  But I did recognize that I was required to step forward, with Susie behind me, all the way to the Terry residence.

We arrived only a little early.  We placed our food upon the table and took our seats, the women on one side, the men on the other; white in front, negro in back.  There were perhaps twenty attending that day, including a few children. 

Of hymns, we had six, and I knew none of them.  Mrs. Terry was our accompanist, and she did a passable job of it.  There were prayers, scriptures, and a sermon.  It was all that I could do to concentrate on the services and not look behind me at Susie.  I could hear her, however, singing strongly all the songs as though she knew them well.

Soon, it was time to eat, and all gathered around the table to give thanks.  We then took turns placing morsels of this and that on our plates before seating our selves wherever we could, indoors and out.  I found myself next to a young woman whom I did not know very well, but whom I had met at the last Wednesday night meeting.  I know of her that she is married, and that her husband does not come to the services with her.  The reason for this, I do not know.

I found myself glancing about for Susie, and then I found her quietly sitting alone, and looking at me before quickly turning away.  She seemed to be pondering something, taking measure on what she should do. 

We finished our meal, and most of us turned to leave, but I lingered, finding an excuse to speak to Mrs. Terry, but keeping an eye on Susie who had started to leave also, but thought better of it. 

Reverend Terry seemed surprised that Susie was staying behind, saying, Susie, I am so glad that you are staying today and not hurrying off as you usually do.

Ah kin ownluh stay a short whall, said Susie, with a look toward me and then back to Reverend Terry.  She seemed to be uncharacteristically concerned, but was trying hard not to, that forced smile reappearing.

I myself had little reason to stay longer, deciding against discussing Pride and Prejudice with Mrs. Terry on the Sabbath day.  So off back down the path to the river I went, lost in thought.

I had not gone too far when I saw the native, waiting, it seemed, for someone to come down the path, that someone not being me.  I hurried on past him, it occurring to me that of course, he must be waiting for Susie.

He did not seem to be hiding anything, for if he were, I suspect he would have been far more careful.  No, it seemed to me that this was a usual place for him to be, and a usual time for him to be in it.

I knew that I could not stay to watch what would happen next, there being no real reason for me to stop, and no real place to hide once again where I would not be found out.  I continued on down the path for home.